Originally by Jeff Okamoto, Sandy Petersen, and lots of others; Perry Caro, Chris Guthrie, Rick Heli, Robert Allen, and Ken Kaufman; Sunjeev "Sunny" Gulati <cs442a07@zippy.cs.iastate.edu>; Capt. Gym Z. Quirk <tkogoma@triton.unm.edu>; Troy Kammerdiener <kammerdi@rex.cs.tulane.edu>; Darin Johnson <djohnson@ucsd.edu>; Niels Ull Jacobsen <null@diku.dk>; Ed Allen <allen@enzyme.berkeley.edu>; Gordon L. Burditt <sneaky.lonestar.org!gordon>; Robert Kelly <rkelly@triton.unm.edu>; Paul <atmpas@vax.oxford.ac.uk>; Shannon D. Appel <appel@soda.Berkeley.EDU>, Keith W Ammann <Prospero@cup.portal.com>, Martin Terman <mfterman@phoenix.princeton.edu>, Mike Phillips <MSPHIL@TSRV1.TS.WM.EDU>, I. Marc Carlson <IMC@VAX2.UTULSA.EDU>, ratinox@ccs.neu.edu (Stainless Steel Rat)

Re-re-re-edited & compiled by Charles K. Hughes and others

Reformatting, spelling correction, later additions, still-yet-more-editing, etc., by Roger Burton West <>

More additions by Sean Desmond, Charles Hill, Séan Keane, Shaun Murrant, Phil Masters


Real Men: The tough macho type who walks up to the attacking dragon and tells him to leave before he gets hurt.

Real Rôle-players: The intelligent cunning guy who tricks the constable into letting you all out of prison.

Loonies: The guy who will do anything for a cheap laugh, including casting a fireball at ground zero.

Munchkins: Need we say more?


Player Relationships

With Real Men:

Real Men: think they're brothers in arms.

Real Rôle-players: hide behind them.

Loonies: harass them with stupid suggestions.

Munchkins: say "I'm a Real Man, too!"

With Real Rôle-players:

Real Men: protect them, on the off chance they may come up with something useful.

Real Rôle-players: sigh with relief to know they're not alone, and then get their characters involved in love affairs and death feuds.

Loonies: harass them with stupid suggestions.

Munchkins: say "I'm a Real Rôle-player, too!"

With Loonies:

Real Men: ignore them.

Real Rôle-players: sometimes harass them back by taking a stupid suggestion and making it work.

Loonies: declare a pie fight at 20 paces... and cheat.

Munchkins: try to imitate the jokes, and fall flat.

With Munchkins:

Real Men: attack them on sight.

Real Rôle-players: trick them into being cannon fodder.

Loonies: make reasonable-sounding suggestions that will get the Munchkin killed in an amusing way.

Munchkins: query, "What's a Munchkin?"


Favourite FRPG:

Real Men: play AD&D

Real Rôle-players: play RuneQuest III

Loonies: play Toon

Munchkins: play anything by TSR

Favourite SFRPG:

Real Men: play Star Trek: The Rôle-playing Game

Real Rôle-players: play Space Opera

Loonies: play a variant Spawn of Fashan

Munchkins: play anything by TSR

Favourite 1920s RPG:

Real Men: play Gangbusters

Real Rôle-players: play Call of Cthulhu

Loonies: play a very variant Spawn of Fashan

Munchkins: play anything by TSR

Favourite SHRPG:

Real Men: play Champions

Real Rôle-players: play Superworld

Loonies: play an extremely variant Spawn of Fashan

Munchkins: play anything by TSR

Favourite modern day / spy RPG:

Real Men: play James Bond, 007

Real Rôle-players: play Mercenaries, Spies, and Private Eyes.

Loonies: play Creeks and Crawdads or an unrecognisable variant of Spawn of Fashan

Munchkins: play anything by TSR

Favourite Post-Holocaust RPG:

Real Men: play Twilight 2000

Real Rôle-players: play The Morrow Project

Loonies: play an extremely unrecognisable variant of Spawn of Fashan

Munchkins: play anything by TSR

Favourite King Arthurian RPG:

Real Men: play Chivalry and Sorcery

Real Rôle-players: play Pendragon

Loonies: play a variant of Spawn of Fashan so variant it shouldn't be called Spawn of Fashan anymore

Munchkins: play anything by TSR

Favourite combat system:

Real Men: like Phoenix Command or Rôlemaster

Real Rôle-players: like RuneQuest or GURPS

Loonies: like Toon or TF2V

Munchkins: like AD&D or Shadowrun

Favourite World / Setting:

Real Men: play in Greyhawk / Sanctuary

Real Rôle-players: play in Glorantha

Loonies: play in Southern California

Munchkins: play SpellJammer in the Forgotten Realms

Favourite Gaming Magazine:

Real Men: read Dragon

Real Rôle-players: read small-press prozines

Loonies: read fanzines

Munchkins: read White Dwarf

Favourite Bar to Hang Out In:

Real Men: hang out at the Vulgar Unicorn

Real Rôle-players: hang out at the White Hart

Loonies: hang out at the Big Bang Burger Bar / Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Munchkins: hang out wherever they don't get carded

Favourite Superhero:

Real Men: like Batman (The Dark Knight) / Wolverine

Real Rôle-players: like Jericho / The Spirit

Loonies: like Bat-Mite / Flaming Carrot / Cutey Bunny / The Badger / Obnoxio

Munchkins: like Galactus

Favourite Modern weapon:

Real Men: use .44 Magnums

Real Rôle-players: use Walther PPKs

Loonies: use water pistols

Munchkins: use Infinite-Repeating Uzis

Favourite Card Game:

Real Men: play Gin

Real Rôle-players: play Bridge

Loonies: play Fizzbin / Fungus and Fruitbats

Munchkins: cheat at Poker

Favourite Music:

Real Men: listen to Bruce Springsteen

Real Rôle-players: listen to 14th-century madrigals

Loonies: listen to Weird Al Yankovic

Munchkins: watch MTV

Favourite Magazine:

Real Men: read Soldier of Fortune and argue about whether the ads are real.

Real Rôle-players: read the Journal of Abnormal Psychology and argue about the point value of disadvantages.

Loonies: read National Lampoon and bitch about how it's gone downhill.

Munchkins: read comic books and argue about whether Spider-Man should have married MJ.

Favourite Convention Activity:

Real Men: "Do the Dealer's Room" / hang out in the con suite

Real Rôle-players: go to seminars / hide in their rooms and play games

Loonies: play video games / do hoax zines

Munchkins: run and shout and cut in lines

Favourite Gaming Awards:

Real Men: vote for the (new) Charles Roberts awards from 3W

Real Rôle-players: vote for the Origins Awards

Loonies: come in at the end of the Origins ceremony to vote on the Silver Hatchets

Munchkins: vote for the Strategists Club awards

Favourite Type of Dice:

Real Men: like 20-siders

Real Rôle-players: use three 6-siders

Loonies: use 30-sided for everything

Munchkins: have them all, and like to roll as many as possible


Real Men: Wherever he hangs up his two-hander

Real Rôle-players: Elsinore

Loonies: Toontown

Munchkins: Valhalla (after kicking out previous occupants)

Favourite Silly RPG:

Real Men: Play Macho Women With Guns / Renegade Nuns On Wheels / Batwinged Bimbos From Hell.

Real Rôle-players: Play Empire of the Petal Throne / Star Wars.

Loonies: like Toon / Paranoia / Tales from the Floating Vagabond.

Munchkins: Don't like silly RPGs.

Favourite TOON Character:

Real Men: Play Carnivores.

Real Rôle-players: Play Herbivores.

Loonies: Play Richard Nixon.

Munchkins: Don't understand the game and make a character to take advantage of loop-holes to build a powerful character.

Favourite location for games:

Real Men: play in pubs

Real Rôle-players: play somewhere atmospheric - cellars especially

Loonies: play outside, for the "atmospheric" weather conditions

Munchkins: play in their bedrooms - they're not allowed to use the living room table

Favourite time-wasting activity:

Real Men: drink, chase women, and kill loonies

Real Rôle-players: like reading and writing more gaming material

Loonies: like ruining the Real Men's chances

Munchkins: like bunking off school - they have to be home by 8 anyway

Preferred type of character sheet:

Real Men: use plain paper

Real Rôle-players: use spreadsheet printouts, often with a multiple-page character history

Loonies: don't bother with a character sheet

Munchkins: use the "Official" character sheet pads

Favourite historical figure:

Real Men: Alexander the Great

Real Rôle-players: Aleksandr Nevskiy

Loonies: Richard Nixon's dog Checkers

Munchkins: Benito Mussolini

Favourite historical battle:

Real Men: like Stalingrad or Gettysburg

Real Rôle-players: like some obscure battle nobody's ever heard of

Loonies: like the Charge of the Light Brigade

Munchkins: like Desert Storm 1991

Least favourite commandment:

Real Men: Neither shalt thou commit adultery.

Real Rôle-players: Thou shalt not make thee any graven image... Thou shalt not bow down thyself unto them, nor serve them.

Loonies: Neither shalt thou covet thy neighbour's... ass.

Munchkins: Neither shalt thou bear false witness against thy neighbour.

Favourite LRP location:

Real Men: played at Peckforton Castle (Treasure Trap)

Real Rôle-players: play in re-enactment groups (and get to use real weapons)

Loonies: play in their nearest High Street or convenient motorway

Munchkins: play at Chiselhurst Caves (Labyrinthe)

Favourite LRP weapon:

Real Men: use a two-handed sword

Real Rôle-players: use a longbow

Loonies: use a nerf crossbow

Munchkins: use a paintball gun (in a fantasy setting)

When confronted with a home-brew system:

Real Men: "Where's the weapons list?"

Real Rôle-players: Finds loopholes and mentions them to the GM in return for a playtest credit

Loonies: Asks what kind of yeast the GM's using

Munchkins: Finds loopholes and giggles

Name of first home-written system:

Real Men: Reload! Reload! Reload!

Real Rôle-players: Dynasties In Collision

Loonies: The Damned And The Paved

Munchkins: MAKE_XP_FAST

When the character dies:

Real Men: Assume poker face, glare at GM, grab weapons list for new character

Real Rôle-players: Sigh, hand over 3" file of character background for writing of eulogy

Loonies: Smile, say "It worked"

Munchkins: Generate new character with exact same stats and equipment, but a new name

When the character sheet is forgotten:

Real Men: Grumble, remember strength and combat skills and write them down

Real Rôle-players: Don't notice until half-way through the session

Loonies: Play without sheet until the character is killed (5 mins), then generate new character

Munchkins: Ask the GM to trust them to remember all the stats and skills

First character:

Real Men: AD&D Fighter (perished cruelly on level 3 due to excessive valour)

Real Rôle-players: AD&D Magic-User, now retired and raising a family (how boring can you get?)

Loonies: Pyle-O-ASH-1

Munchkins: AD&D multiclassed Bard (still alive and in play as major deity)

First real rôle-playing experience:

Real Men: Were persuaded to play an AD&D cleric

Real Rôle-players: Challenged a blacksmith to a duel (giving him choice of weapons)

Loonies: Played a schizophrenic paranoid instead of a paranoid schizophrenic

Munchkins: What?

Most likely real-world profession:

Real Men: Join the army and/or get sent to prison and/or work as a security guard

Real Rôle-players: net.god

Loonies: doctor

Munchkins: B1FF's younger brother

When confronted with a Cardmaster™ deck:

Real Men: Look at the Real Rôle-players, and whimper.

Real Rôle-players: Look at the Real Men, and whimper.

Loonies: Build a house out of them.

Munchkins: Hide the biggest treasure card up their sleeves.

"Pick one adjective for your character" (before stat generation):

Real Men: "Honourable."

Real Rôle-players: Digs out thesaurus.

Loonies: "Spam."

Munchkins: "Ambidextrous."

When you ring the doorbell:

Real Men: Turns up in underwear, mumbles "What day is it?", staggers back and un-pauses Doom.

Real Rôle-players: Is never in.

Loonies: Opens the door looking haggard, immediately yells "Don't flush!"

Munchkins: Mother opens the door, offering orange juice and cookies - hide the beer.


Favourite add-on:

Real Men: Clock speed! Clock speed! Clock speed!

Real Rôle-players: The Internet

Loonies: Mouse House

Munchkins: Super Nintendo adaptor

Favourite games:

Real Men: play flight simulators and Harpoon

Real Rôle-players: use spreadsheets and word processors

Loonies: play Tetris and Lemmings

Munchkins: play Sonic and Mario

Favourite Internet activity:

Real Men: play MUDs, MUSHes, etc.

Real Rôle-players: play PBeM games

Loonies: read netnews and grab X-GIFs by FTP

Munchkins: get into flamewars

Favourite encryption system:

Real Men: need no encryption

Real Rôle-players: use PGP/RSAREF

Loonies: use rot13

Munchkins: use Clipper

Food and Drink

Favourite breakfast cereal:

Real Men: Grape Nuts or Sugar Wheat

Real Rôle-players: Authentic 17th century wood shavings

Loonies: Armbrust Flakes™

Munchkins: Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs™

Favourite Pizza:

Real Men: Extra cheese, all the meats you have and don't forget the jalapeños this time

Real Rôle-players: Original Marguerita

Loonies: Anything involving machine oil

Munchkins: Super Supreme Extra Deluxe Plus (individual portion)

When entering the bar:

Real Men: Bartender, what's your strongest beer?

Real Rôle-players: Bartender, what's he drinking?

Loonies: Bartender, how much for the drip tray?

Munchkins: Bartender, a cup of beer, pl... (notices spirits bottles)

Favourite Beer:

Real Men: Old Abusive

Real Rôle-players: Fuller's Mild

Loonies: "A pint of your fakest ale, please"

Munchkins: Foster's Shandy

Favourite Spirit:

Real Men: Jack Daniel's

Real Rôle-players: Absinthe

Loonies: Coyote

Munchkins: Neat Foster's

Favourite pub:

Real Men: The Meaningful Relationship and Firkin

Real Rôle-players: The Goat and New Moon

Loonies: The Kebab and Calculator (or The Gibbous Moon and Tentacle)

Munchkins: Gets thrown out of The Docker's Fists

Favourite street food:

Real Men: Doner kebab, and half a pint of chili sauce

Real Rôle-players: Shish kebab

Loonies: Burger King's Spicy Beanburger (only when you're sharing a room with them) or pumpkin pizza with garlic ice-cream

Munchkins: McDonald's

Favourite Mints:

Real Men: Fishermans' Friends dissolved in Polish raw spirit

Real Rôle-players: Mint Imperials / Altoids

Loonies: Fruit-flavoured Polo

Munchkins: Soft mints

When told to "get food and drink" during a game, returns with:

Real Men: Flat-pack of Blue-Collar Lager and scorched bits of dead pig

Real Rôle-players: Jars of homebrew and pot of pasta (this is an all-night session, right?)

Loonies: Bottles of Paranoia, and a bucket of poached squid

Munchkins: Pitcher of orange juice from mum, and credit card for pizza

Film and TV

Favourite Actor:

Real Men: like John Wayne

Real Rôle-players: like Claus Kinski

Loonies: like Curly

Munchkins: watch Saturday morning cartoons

Favourite Actress:

Real Men: like Raquel Welch

Real Rôle-players: like Adrienne Barbeau

Loonies: like Phyllis Diller

Munchkins: are far too young to know about Sex

Favourite Actor to play James Bond:

Real Men: like Sean Connery

Real Rôle-players: like George Lazenby

Loonies: like David Niven

Munchkins: like Roger Moore

Favourite action movie:

Real Men: like Predator

Real Rôle-players: like Die Hard

Loonies: like Split Second

Munchkins: like Under Siege or Rambo III

Favourite period movie:

Real Men: like The Duellists

Real Rôle-players: like The Three Musketeers

Loonies: like Royal Flash

Munchkins: don't watch period movies

Favourite actor to play Robin Hood:

Real Men: like Errol Flynn

Real Rôle-players: like Michael Praed or Patrick Bergen

Loonies: like the Disney cartoon version

Munchkins: like Kevin Costner

Favourite French film:

Real Men: like Nikita

Real Rôle-players: like Betty Blue

Loonies: like anything by Gérard Dépardieu or Jacques Tati

Munchkins: like Asterix in Britain

Thoughts on Alien 3:

Real Men: hated it

Real Rôle-players: kept pointing out the plot holes and wrote alternate scripts the next week

Loonies: liked it, especially the free-fall crucifixion scene

Munchkins: thought it was the best of the three

Reaction to "Power Tool Maniac" films:

Real Men: "Hah! Black & Decker is for wimps!"

Real Rôle-players: Turns green, mutters something about "unnecessary violence".

Loonies: "Which setting is he using, wood or masonry?"

Munchkins: "Hey, I've just had a great idea for a character!"

Favourite Anime:

Real Men: like Dirty Pair or Akira

Real Rôle-players: like Kigumare Orange Road or Yamato

Loonies: like Dominion

Munchkins: like Lensman

Favourite comedy movie:

Real Men: like Young Frankenstein or I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle

Real Rôle-players: like Blues Brothers

Loonies: like Bad Taste or Duck Soup

Munchkins: like Spaceballs or Morons From Outer Space

Favourite cartoon series:

Real Men: like Battle of the Planets (Japanese version)

Real Rôle-players: like Dogtanian

Loonies: like Tiny Toon Adventures

Munchkins: like the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon

Favourite soap opera:

Real Men: watch Hill Street Blues

Real Rôle-players: don't watch soaps - they get enough emotional anguish in their games

Loonies: watch Soap

Munchkins: watch Neighbours

Favourite cop show:

Real Men: like Hunter

Real Rôle-players: like Hill Street Blues

Loonies: like Sledge Hammer or Police Squad

Munchkins: like The Professionals

At GenCon

Typical quote:

Real Men: The dealers' room's opening in three minutes? My character does what his does.

Real Rôle-players: So I walk up to the barman and say... hey, why have they turned off the lights?

Loonies: I'll kick sand in the dragon's face (NB: only after the Real Men have gone to the dealers' room)

Munchkins: (plops down file of 10,000 characters rolled at 5 per second on a Vic-20, keeping only the ones with four or more 18s.)

In the dealer's room:

Real Men: Hang around the chainmail bikini stands... or the weapons merchants

Real Rôle-players: Take the opportunity to ask the questions they know won't get answered at the seminar

Loonies: Play Stake 'Em and get arrested by the Klingons

Munchkins: "Hey, is this free? How about this?" (Stops and drools over Magic games)

Favourite events:

Real Men: The continually-diminishing wargames area.

Real Rôle-players: A Real Rôle-Playing Event, now relegated to the 17th level of the Deep Echoing Dungeon.

Loonies: "Cheating" in the Safe House Interactive.

Munchkins: TSR demo games (and arguing with the designers), or free video games in the dealers' room

Favourite numerical aids

Real Men: Lots of tables, to look up results in a fraction of a second

Real Rôle-players: Two formulæ, to calculate results in a fraction of a second

Loonies: The Bumper Book of PI

Munchkins: A Vic-20, sprayed matte black, with "O'no-Sendye" hand-written in silver pen

Game-mastering paraphernalia

Real Men: Deactivated ammunition, and large maglite for flashing in the players' faces

Real Rôle-players: 2" thick file of 17th century shoelace fashions

Loonies: Trout, dead (with bar code)

Munchkins: TSR Dungeon Master's and Player's Shields™

Convention hall costume (dressed up)

Real Men: Heroic rags, fake tan, rubber sword

Real Rôle-players: Cloak and staff (keep 'em guessing)

Loonies: Foil-lined hat to ward off Orbital Mind Control Lasers™

Munchkins: Dad's Klan robe

Convention hall costume (dressed down)

Real Men: Holey jeans and lots of daggers

Real Rôle-players: Ah, of course... in disguise...

Loonies: Foil-lined hat to ward off Orbital Mind Control Lasers™, and Cthulhu plush doll glued to shoulder

Munchkins: Junior-size Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt

Favourite form of refreshment

Real Men: "How about some peppers on that pizza?"

Real Rôle-players: "Call this authentic? I can't see any cockroaches" (Followed by "Look, right here!")

Loonies: Eat the handouts

Munchkins: Try to sneak into the (otherwise deserted) con bar

At the Oktoberfest

Typical activities:

Real Men: Slap backs, stand on tables and sing

Real Rôle-players: Somehow make a litre last an hour

Loonies: Scrape the salt off the pretzels into the Munchkins' beer

Munchkins: Get rescued from the rubbish tip behind the Pissort by the Real Men... on a bet

Typical food:

Real Men: Bierwurst and sauerkraut

Real Rôle-players: Anything with more than six syllables in the name

Loonies: Pretzels dipped in beer

Munchkins: Food? Cuts down on the drinking time!

Most likely souvenir:

Real Men: Beer glasses from evey tent

Real Rôle-players: T-shirts with all the variants on the Bavarian coat of arms

Loonies: Plush menagerie won on the Bucking Bronco shooting gallery

Munchkins: Hangover


Favourite Attack Style:

Real Men: Shout war cry, and wade into battle.

Real Rôle-players: Parry and counterattack; protect comrade's backs.

Loonies: Throw sword at opponent, then attack with scabbard and lunch box.

Munchkins: Leap in with secret 'twisted lotus' ninja decapitation strike.

Favourite Way to Die:

Real Men: In battle, with boots on, going down swinging.

Real Rôle-players: On deathbed, after lengthy dramatic farewell speech.

Loonies: Laughing while jumping into a portable hole, and carrying a bag of holding.

Munchkins: Die? You're kidding, right?

Favourite Dungeon Activity

Real Men: fight Red Dragons

Real Rôle-players: bluff the Ogres

Loonies: tell dirty jokes to Green Slime

Munchkins: do whatever gives the most experience / rip each other off

Dealing with a Dragon:

Real Men: Slay it. Preferably alone and with bare hands. (is this a trick question or what?)

Real Rôle-players: Con it out of all its treasure, leaving the dragon (and the GM) thinking it got the better deal.

Loonies: Summon the Sta-Puft marshmallow man.

Munchkins: Kill it, make armour out of the hide, and then resurrect it as a familiar.

Favourite Melee Weapon:

Real Men: use Broadswords / Bastard Swords / Pole Axes

Real Rôle-players: use Rapiers and Main-Gauches

Loonies: use Stage Knives

Munchkins: use whatever gives the most plusses

Favourite Thrown Weapon:

Real Men: throw Spears / Javelins

Real Rôle-players: throw Bolas

Loonies: throw their friends' magic items

Munchkins: throw whatever gives the most plusses

Favourite Missile Weapon:

Real Men: shoot Long Bows / Composite Bows

Real Rôle-players: shoot Crossbows

Loonies: shoot Catapults loaded with offal

Munchkins: shoot whatever gives the most plusses

Favourite Improvised Weapon in Barroom Brawl:

Real Men: use bare hands / tables

Real Rôle-players: use chairs, chair legs or pokers

Loonies: use plastic Pepsi bottles or toothpaste

Munchkins: use, you guessed it, whatever gives the most plusses

Favourite Improvised Thrown Weapons:

Real Men: throw Munchkins (can you blame them?)

Real Rôle-players: throw beer mugs, pool balls and rocks

Loonies: throw Nerf frisbees

Munchkins: are too busy running from the Real Men / Whatever gives the most plusses

Favourite AD&D Spell:

Real Men: cast Fireballs

Real Rôle-players: cast Find the Path

Loonies: cast Otto's Irresistible Nose-Picking

Munchkins: cast Smite Ruler and Transfer Loyalty of Populace

[As an alternative, real munchkins cast Destroy Plane (the munchkin, 1-segment, no-save version) followed by Create Plane (instant version) on the Prime Material Plane to get the XP for creatures killed (and re-created), and to re-create themselves with STR, INT, WIS, and CON of 10,000,000. Then they take the maps away from the DM and re-write them.]

Favourite RQ3 Spirit Spell:

Real Men: cast Bladesharp 10 on their swords

Real Rôle-players: cast Demoralise on their foes

Loonies: cast Befuddle on their friends

Munchkins: cast Fireball

Favourite RQ3 Sorcery Spell:

Real Men: cast Dominate Human on others

Real Rôle-players: cast Damage Resistance on their familiars / themselves

Loonies: cast Dominate Human on themselves

Munchkins: cast Meteor Swarm

Favourite RQ3 Divine Spell:

Real Men: cast Berserker on themselves

Real Rôle-players: cast Heal Body

Loonies: cast Face Chaos on the Crimson Bat

Munchkins: cast Timestop

Favourite GURPS Magic Spell:

Real Men: don't use magic, but they'll let the mage cast Hawk Flight on them so they can pursue the foe

Real Rôle-players: cast Lend Language on the strangers they meet

Loonies: cast Mystic Mist in the town square

Munchkins: cast Enslave on the city guard

Favourite AD&D Psionic Ability:

Real Men: use Body Weaponry

Real Rôle-players: use Shape Alteration

Loonies: use Sea Anemone Hypnosis

Munchkins: use Assume Godhood

Favourite Alignment:

Real Men: are Lawful Good

Real Rôle-players: don't use alignment

Loonies: are Amoral Silly

Munchkins: are whatever gives the most plusses

Favourite Specialist Mages in AD&D:

Real Men: don't like magic, but if they have to play a mage, they'll be an invoker with lots of fireballs or a transmuter with strength and enlarge.

Real Rôle-players: enchanter or illusionist

Loonies: illusionist with ventriloquism, audible glamer, and spectral force, conjurer specialising in create banana peel spell, or a transmuter specialising in polymorph self into a random creature, plant, or object

Munchkins: a multi-classed abjurer / conjurer / diviner / enchanter / illusionist / invoker / necromancer / transmuter / wildmage / psionicist

Favourite AD&D module:

Real Men: play Temple of Elemental Evil

Real Rôle-players: don't use published scenarios

Loonies: play Dungeonland

Munchkins: play Expedition to the Barrier Peaks

Favourite Religious-type Character:

Real Men: play Paladins

Real Rôle-players: play Clerics

Loonies: play street preachers

Munchkins: play Demigods

Favourite Non-Human PC:

Real Men: play Dwarfs

Real Rôle-players: play Morokanths

Loonies: play a Dwarf-Elf half-breed

Munchkins: play whatever gives the most plusses / Demi-gods

Favourite Undead to Summon:

Real Men: summon Ghosts

Real Rôle-players: summon Wraiths

Loonies: send in an AD&D troll wearing a sheet

Munchkins: summon Cerberus

Favourite Way of Extracting Information from the Goblins:

Real Men: torture them

Real Rôle-players: cast Legend Lore / Telepathy / Mind Read

Loonies: tell puns to them

Munchkins: peek behind the GM's shield

Favourite Demon / Devil:

Real Men: like Asmodeus

Real Rôle-players: like Cacodemon

Loonies: like Spiro Agnew

Munchkins: like Satan's grandfather

Favourite God:

Real Men: worship Humakt / Orlanth

Real Rôle-players: worship Issaries / Lhankor Mhy

Loonies: worship Hare Krishna

Munchkins: worship whoever gives the most plusses

Favourite Miscellaneous Magic Item:

Real Men: love Adamantine Claws

Real Rôle-players: love Repulsor Rays

Loonies: love Radioactive Teeth / +3 Kleenex

Munchkins: love Uru's Hammer

Favourite Potion:

Real Men: drink potions of Superheroism

Real Rôle-players: drink potions of Animal / Plant Control

Loonies: drink potions of Jell-O

Munchkins: drink potions of Deity Control

Favourite Ring:

Real Men: wear rings of Elemental Control

Real Rôle-players: wear rings of Free Action

Loonies: wear rings of Smurf Control

Munchkins: wear rings of Infinite Wishes / the One Ring

Favourite Stick (Rod / Staff / Wand):

Real Men: wield staves of Striking

Real Rôle-players: wield wands of Healing

Loonies: wield rods of styrofoam

Munchkins: wield staves of Deity Power

Favourite Armour:

Real Men: wear Plate Mail

Real Rôle-players: wear Elven Chain mail

Loonies: wear Horse Barding

Munchkins: wear powered armour a la Starship Troopers

Favourite Helm:

Real Men: wear a Helm of Brilliance

Real Rôle-players: wear a Helm of Telepathy

Loonies: wear a Helm of Blindness ("Works great against medusas")

Munchkins: wear a Helm of 360-Degree Vision with Force Field

Favourite Shield:

Real Men: don't use shields (can't wield a two-handed weapon)

Real Rôle-players: use a Kite Shield

Loonies: use a panty shield

Munchkins: don't get the previous joke / use a Shield of Automatic Parry

Favourite Glove / Gauntlet:

Real Men: fight bare-handed

Real Rôle-players: wear Gloves of Dexterity

Loonies: wear THE Glove of Michael Jackson Charisma

Munchkins: wear Gauntlets of Infinite Ring-Wearing

Favourite Footwear:

Real Men: wear Seven League Boots

Real Rôle-players: wear Boots of Stealth

Loonies: wear house slippers

Munchkins: wear Boots of Infinite Speed

Favourite Mount:

Real Men: ride heavy war horses

Real Rôle-players: ride palfreys

Loonies: ride sheep

Munchkins: ride heavy war tyrannosauri

Favourite NPC:

Real Men: like Tarl Cabot

Real Rôle-players: like Medea

Loonies: like Doctor Who

Munchkins: like Darth Vader / Teela Brown

Favourite Animal to use as a Familiar:

Real Men: have Black Cats

Real Rôle-players: have Owls

Loonies: have Slugs

Munchkins: have whatever gives the most plusses / Ancient Red Dragons

Favourite Kind of Elf:

Real Men: like the Pinis' elves

Real Rôle-players: like Tolkien's elves

Loonies: like Santa's elves

Munchkins: like Storm Giants with pointed ears

Favourite Kind of Dwarf:

Real Men: like Tolkien's Dwarfs

Real Rôle-players: like Glorantha's Dwarfs

Loonies: like the Seven Dwarfs

Munchkins: like Earth Elementals with beards

Favourite Food to take on Expeditions:

Real Men: bring along burgers, fries, milkshakes, and pizza

Real Rôle-players: bring along iron rations

Loonies: bring along Froot Loops / aluminium rations

Munchkins: bring along whatever gives the most plusses

Favourite Fantasy Author:

Real Men: read J.R.R. Tolkien "Lord of the Rings"

Real Rôle-players: read Robert Asprin's "Thieves' World" series

Loonies: read Robert Asprin's "Myth" series

Munchkins: read E. Gary Gygax

Favourite fantasy movie:

Real Men: like Conan the Barbarian

Real Rôle-players: like Highlander

Loonies: like The Princess Bride

Munchkins: like Highlander II

When they encounter a sleeping dragon:

Real Men: wake it up and THEN attack it.

Real Rôle-players: sneak away quietly.

Loonies: tie its shoelaces together.

Munchkins: have their 34th-level thief backstab it with their +17 Sword of Slay Anything, and then put all its treasure in one backpack and run away.

Favourite Town Activity:

Real Men: drink ale in the tavern and start bar fights.

Real Rôle-players: drink wine in the tavern and talk to everyone.

Loonies: order watermelon daiquiris and start food fights.

Munchkins: say "What's a town?"

Science Fiction

Favourite Science Fiction Weapon:

Real Men: use Laser Pistols / Blasters / Light Sabres

Real Rôle-players: use Stun Guns / Tanglers

Loonies: use Thermonuclear Hand Grenades / Tripod Flamers

Munchkins: use whatever gives the most plusses

Favourite Method of Handling Alien Monster:

Real Men: drive off the Bug-Eyed Monsters invading the Earth

Real Rôle-players: negotiate with the refugees from the evil Empire

Loonies: hitch a ride with Vogons

Munchkins: invade the BEMs' home planet and enslave them all

Favourite Science Fiction Movie:

Real Men: watch the Star Wars films

Real Rôle-players: watch "2001: A Space Odyssey / 2010: Odyssey Two"

Loonies: watch "The Three Stooges Go To Mars"

Munchkins: watch the Star Trek films

Favourite Trek Movie:

Real Men: watch Star Trek II

Real Rôle-players: watch Star Trek III

Loonies: watch Duck Trek

Munchkins: watch Star Trek V

Favourite Trek series

Real Men: The original series

Real Rôle-players: Deep Space 9

Loonies: The animated series

Munchkins: Watched TNG until Wesley Crusher left

Favourite Method of Space Travel:

Real Men: use Hyperspace / Warp Drive

Real Rôle-players: use suspended animation

Loonies: use the Infinite Improbability Drive

Munchkins: push the button and it goes

Favourite Star to Put a Colony Around:

Real Men: colonise Beta Lyræ

Real Rôle-players: colonise Alpha Centauri

Loonies: colonise Cygnus X-1

Munchkins: colonise wherever gives the most plusses

Favourite Science Fiction TV Series:

Real Men: like Blake's 7

Real Rôle-players: some like Star Cops, but many spend hours arguing over which is best

Loonies: like the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Munchkins: like Red Dwarf

Favourite Science Fiction Author:

Real Men: read Isaac Asimov

Real Rôle-players: read Arthur C. Clarke

Loonies: read Bored of the Rings / Doon / Hitchhiker

Munchkins: read E. Gary Gygax

Favourite Monster:

Real Men: like the Alien

Real Rôle-players: like the Moties

Loonies: like the beach ball from Dark Star

Munchkins: like E.T.

Favourite Variant Human:

Real Men: play Heavy Worlders

Real Rôle-players: play Light Worlders / Spacers

Loonies: play Sex Androids

Munchkins: play Enhanced Humans with all the advantages

Call of Cthulhu

Favourite Spell:

Real Men: don't believe in magic

Real Rôle-players: cast Elder Sign

Loonies: cast Summon Smurf

Munchkins: cast Control Cthulhu

Favourite Monster:

Real Men: like Deep Ones

Real Rôle-players: don't like any of them

Loonies: like Masters of the Universe Slime

Munchkins: like Azathoth

Favourite Type of Character to Play:

Real Men: play Private Investigators

Real Rôle-players: play Professors of Ancient Egyptian Archaeology

Loonies: play Red Indian Sex Maniacs

Munchkins: play Magic-Users

Favourite way to die:

Real Men: being swallowed by Cthulhu while wearing a dynamite waistcoat

Real Rôle-players: face to face with Nyarlathotep (character becomes an NPC)

Loonies: one syllable away from summoning Yog-Sothoth (killed by the party)

Munchkins: falling off Shantak during victory lap around R'lyeh


Capsule Opinion:

Real Men: think the weapons are OK, but hate the background.

Real Rôle-players: think the campaigns are too short.

Loonies: think the game isn't funny enough.

Munchkins: don't think the game is supposed to be funny.

Favourite Service Group:

Real Men: like Armed Forces.

Real Rôle-players: like Tech Services and CPU.

Loonies: like R&D.

Munchkins: like IntSec.

Favourite Secret Society:

Real Men: like Anti-Mutant, Frankenstein Destroyers, and PURGE.

Real Rôle-players: like Free Enterprise and Sierra Club.

Loonies: like Corpore Metal, Death Leopard, and Mystics.

Munchkins: like Psion.

Favourite Mutant Power:

Real Men: like Adrenalin Control.

Real Rôle-players: like Hypersenses.

Loonies: like Project Total Chaos.

Munchkins: like characters with the works.

Favourite Weapon:

Real Men: like cone rifles.

Real Rôle-players: like laser pistols.

Loonies: like chainsaws and anything from R&D.

Munchkins: like Plasma Generators.

Favourite Target:

Real Men: shoot Commie Mutant Traitors.

Real Rôle-players: shoot the Munchkins' characters.

Loonies: shoot anything fragile-looking.

Munchkins: shoot anything in sight, starting with the other PCs.

Favourite Mission:

Real Men: like to hunt down Commie Mutant Traitors.

Real Rôle-players: like to try to survive the briefing.

Loonies: like to place themselves under surveillance and report hourly.

Munchkins: like to attack a rival Alpha Complex.

Teenagers From Outer Space

Capsule Opinion:

Real Men: can't understand the game at all.

Real Rôle-players: think the game is silly.

Loonies: think the game is about them.

Munchkins: want to play their 700-point Champions character.

Favourite Character Type:

Real Men: play Near Humans.

Real Rôle-players: play Humans.

Loonies: play green fuzzy blobs that drip slime.

Munchkins: play Deities.

Favourite Powers:

Real Men: have Superspeed, Monster Out, and Superstrength

Real Rôle-players: have Teleport, Deep Freeze, and Talk to Aliens.

Loonies: have Bounce, Summon Pizza, and Telephone.

Munchkins: have all of them.

Favourite Knacks:

Real Men: like Shoot Big Raygun and Flying Saucer Piloting.

Real Rôle-players: like Figure Things Out and Look Cool in Shades.

Loonies: like Weird Science and Eat Anything.

Munchkins: like Do Anything I Want.

Favourite Weapon:

Real Men: like Zap Guns.

Real Rôle-players: like Duplicator Guns.

Loonies: like Goop Guns and Boy / Girl Guns.

Munchkins: like AT-AT Walkers.

Favourite Transportation:

Real Men: use flying saucers.

Real Rôle-players: use the Number 42 Crosstown Expedience Route.

Loonies: use Rocket Sneakers.

Munchkins: use Battlestars.


Capsule Opinion:

Real Men: think this is how the world should be.

Real Rôle-players: think there's too much combat.

Loonies: think it's a great system for simulating reality.

Munchkins: think starting characters don't have enough points.

Favourite Character Type:

Real Men: like Bricks.

Real Rôle-players: like Mentalists.

Loonies: like Cream-Puff Projectors.

Munchkins: like visiting Gods.

Favourite Power:

Real Men: like Damage Resistance.

Real Rôle-players: like Telepathy.

Loonies: like Instant Change with the advantage Usable on Others.

Munchkins: like Autofire Find Weakness.

Favourite Attribute:

Real Men: like Strength.

Real Rôle-players: like Ego.

Loonies: like Comeliness.

Munchkins: like Speed.

Favourite Disadvantage:

Real Men: like Berserk.

Real Rôle-players: like Psychological Limitations.

Loonies: like Dependency on Spinach Egg Noodles.

Munchkins: like Unusual Looks.

Favourite Power Limitation:

Real Men: like Always On.

Real Rôle-players: like Limited Uses.

Loonies: like Activation on 8-.

Munchkins: like Focus and Multipower.

Tactics in Hostage Situations:

Real Men: demonstrate what'll happen to villains who injure hostages.

Real Rôle-players: create an illusion of the hostages getting away.

Loonies: taunt the villains.

Munchkins: waste the villains with their 10d6 Autofire Armour-Piercing Ranged Killing Attack, and use Regeneration Usable on Others to heal the injured bystanders.

Fantasy Hero

Capsule Opinion:

Real Men: like how expensive magic is.

Real Rôle-players: don't like how expensive magic is.

Loonies: like the bizarre disadvantages you can create.

Munchkins: like the crossover from Champions.

Character Type:

Real Men: play Dwarven Knights.

Real Rôle-players: play Elven Mages.

Loonies: play Halfling Knights.

Munchkins: play their Champions characters.

Favourite Spell Limitations:

Real Men: wish there weren't any, so magic would be even more expensive.

Real Rôle-players: like Gestures, Incantation, and Concentrate.

Loonies: like Side Effects.

Munchkins: use the Champions rules.

Favourite Spells:

Real Men: like any kind of magic greatsword.

Real Rôle-players: like Perceive and Illusions.

Loonies: like Dominate usable on Self Only.

Munchkins: like Blast, Variable Advantage, Reduced END to zero.


Capsule Opinion:

Real Men: think there aren't enough combats.

Real Rôle-players: think there aren't enough supplements.

Loonies: think there aren't enough disadvantages.

Munchkins: think there aren't enough hit points.

Favourite Advantages:

Real Men: like Combat Reflexes, Strong Will, High Pain Threshold and Toughness.

Real Rôle-players: like Charisma, Danger Sense, Empathy, Literacy and Voice.

Loonies: like Luck, Absolute Timing and Unusual Background.

Munchkins: like Magery 3, Patron (Superman), and PK (80).

Favourite Disadvantages:

Real Men: like Gigantism and Berserk

Real Rôle-players: like Sense of Duty and Poverty

Loonies: like Severe Delusions, Severe Phobias, Split Personality, Total Pacifism and Berserk - all at the same time.

Munchkins: like Enemies and Dependents (for the points).

Favourite Skills:

Real Men: like Brawling, Two-Handed Sword, Broadsword and Shield.

Real Rôle-players: like Acting, Bard, Detect Lies, Diplomacy, Fast-Talk, Merchant, Savoir-Faire and Streetwise.

Loonies: like to use ALL skills at a default level of 5.

Munchkins: like Fast-Talk GM and Whine.

Favourite Combat Spell:

Real Men: don't use magic.

Real Rôle-players: cast Blur and Flash.

Loonies: cast Create Object (cream pies) and throw them.

Munchkins: cast Armour, Shield, Invisibility and Deathtouch.

Favourite Non-Combat Spell:

Real Men: still don't use magic.

Real Rôle-players: cast Major Healing.

Loonies: cast Drunkenness on the other PCs.

Munchkins: cast Linking spells on everything they own.

Favourite Supplement:

Real Men: like Horseclans and Ice Age.

Real Rôle-players: like Space, Horror and Japan.

Loonies: like Toon.

Munchkins: like Fantasy, Horror and Autoduel - in the same game.

Supplement Most Wanted:

Real Men: want Wild West and World War II.

Real Rôle-players: want Illuminati.

Loonies: want Pet Rocks / Creeks & Crawdads.

Munchkins: want Supers and Mecha, to add to their Fantasy / Horror / Autoduel game.

Villains and Vigilantes

Capsule Opinion:

Real Men: Don't like to adhere to the Superhero Code enforced by the government.

Real Rôle-players: Join the government peacekeeping force.

Loonies: Represent themselves at their trials.

Munchkins: Are above the Superhero Code (aren't they?)

Favourite Character Type:

Real Men: Play 600 pound Bricks.

Real Rôle-players: Play telepaths.

Loonies: Play insane androids.

Munchkins: Play alien sorcerers.

Favourite Power:

Real Men: Like Invulnerability and Armour A.

Real Rôle-players: Like Psionics.

Loonies: Like Mutant Power.

Munchkins: Like Power Absorption.

Favourite Ability Score:

Real Men: Like Endurance.

Real Rôle-players: Like Intelligence.

Loonies: Like Charisma.

Munchkins: Like Agility.

Favourite Weakness:

Real Men: Like Mute.

Real Rôle-players: Like Physical Handicap.

Loonies: Like Psychosis.

Munchkins: What weaknesses?

Favourite Battle Tactics:

Real Men: Pound villains into the ground or throw buses.

Real Rôle-players: Wear their opponents down before finishing them off.

Loonies: Dump a bucket of Cool Whip on a villain's head and talk about Planet of the Apes.

Munchkins: Negate their friend's attacks so they get all the experience themselves.

Favourite Combat Manoeuvre:

Real Men: Like the Fastball Special.

Real Rôle-players: Like to trick villains into attacking each other instead of the heroes.

Loonies: Like Multiple Back Attacks.

Munchkins: Like Multiple Weakness Detection.

Favourite Canned Adventure:

Real Men: Like Death Duel with the Destroyers.

Real Rôle-players: Like FORCE.

Loonies: Like The Dawn of DNA.

Munchkins: Like Devil's Domain and Dawn of the Devil.

Favourite Member of the Crushers:

Real Men: Like Bull.

Real Rôle-players: Like FIST.

Loonies: Like Mocker.

Munchkins: Like Mercury Mercenary.

Favourite Member of the Crusaders:

Real Men: Like Enforcer.

Real Rôle-players: Like Dreamweaver.

Loonies: Like Laserfire.

Munchkins: Think the Crusaders are wimps.

Favourite Member of the Destroyers:

Real Men: Like Behemoth.

Real Rôle-players: Like Iron Maiden.

Loonies: Like Ratman.

Munchkins: Like Annihilator.

Favourite Member of the Errants:

Real Men: Like Adonis.

Real Rôle-players: Like Cockroach.

Loonies: Like Shee-Ariel.

Munchkins: Like Dr. DNA.

Favourite Member of the Force:

Real Men: Like Mister Magnum.

Real Rôle-players: Like Shadarkos.

Loonies: Like Cicada.

Munchkins: Like FORCE.

Favorite Member of the Defenders (CMU):

Real Men: like Zog.

Real Rôle-players: like Doppleganger.

Loonies: like Napalm and Crash.

Munchkins: like Radical Babe.

Favorite Member of the Marauders (CMU):

Real Men: like Metallica.

Real Rôle-players: like Malachai.

Loonies: Methane Lord.

Munchkins: like Sidewinder.

Favorite Member of the Four Horsemen (CMU):

Real Men: like The Brick.

Real Rôle-players: like Vixen.

Loonies: Non-Man.

Munchkins: Black Raspberry Ice.

Favorite Miscellaneous Hero (CMU):

Real Men: like Blaster Master.

Real Rôle-players: like Captain Freedom.

Loonies: like The Invisible Object.

Munchkins: like Can't Touch This.


Favourite Vampires

Real Men: play 13th generation Brujah Rebels

Real Rôle-players: play 10th generation Tremere or Ventrue Architects

Loonies: play 14th generation Malkavian Anti-tribu Visionaries

Munchkins: play Caitiff Antediluvians

Favourite Vampire Food

Real Men: eat dope-dealers and other assorted criminals.

Real Rôle-players: agonise over it, eat their friends in a frenzy and lose Humanity points.

Loonies: eat flies.

Munchkins: eat Caine.

Favourite Diablerie

Real Men: diablerize Tremeres and Sabbat.

Real Rôle-players: agonise over it, diablerize their sires, and lose Humanity points.

Loonies: diablerize themselves, agonise over it and enter Torpor.

Munchkins: eat Caine.

Favourite Ghoul

Real Men: need no ghouls.

Real Rôle-players: agonise over it, ghoul politicians and lose Humanity points.

Loonies: ghoul Wal-Mart cashiers.

Munchkins: ghoul the entire Tremere clan.

Favourite Sourcebooks

Real Men: like Clan Brujah.

Real Rôle-players: agonise over buying the books, say "I don't NEED a sourcebook", agonise again, read the books in the store, buy the books anyway and lose Humanity points.

Loonies: like Count Duckula

Munchkins: like the Mummies.

Favourite Werewolves

Real Men: play Get of Fenris Ahroun with Fang Daggers

Real Rôle-players: play Uktena Theurges with Baneskins

Loonies: play a hairy bag-lady with a shopping cart

Munchkins: play a Major Incarna with a Silver Sword

Favourite Totems

Real Men: align with The Stag

Real Rôle-players: align with Coyote

Loonies: align with the harmonic convergence

Munchkins: align with themselves

View the Umbra...

Real Men: as the True World.

Real Rôle-players: as the shadowy pictures from Plato's Allegory of the Cave.

Loonies: from a padded cell.

Munchkins: as their kingdom.

Favourite Weapon

Real Men: need no weapons.

Real Rôle-players: carry their ancestor's klaive.

Loonies: carry a tune.

Munchkins: carry a silver sword, two klaives, a fang dagger, an Atchisson with 20 rounds of silver-phosphate and a thermite grenade.

Ars Magica

Favourite Houses

Real Men: join House Flambeau or House Tytalus

Real Rôle-players: join House Jerbiton

Loonies: join House Criamon or House Merinita

Munchkins: join House Bjornaer, Bonisagus or Verditius

Favourite Virtues for Magi:

Real Men: have an affinity with Ignem or Perdo

Real Rôle-players: have the Gentle Gift

Loonies: have Withstand Magic and Berserk

Munchkins: have the Great Worm of the Pyrenées as a heartbeast

Favourite Flaws for Magi:

Real Men: take Fury

Real Rôle-players: take Sense of Doom

Loonies: take Magic Addiction, Lack of Concentration and Chaotic Magic.

Munchkins: don't understand the concept

Means of overcoming flaws:

Real Men: kill their Enemies

Real Rôle-players: join monasteries

Loonies: 'quick, the bishop's coming, hide the demonic text in the chapel...'

Munchkins: seem to have lost that bit of paper

Favourite Spells:

Real Men: cast Pilum of Fire

Real Rôle-players: cast Frosty Breath of the Spoken Lie

Loonies: cast Confusion of the Insane Vibrations while near a clifftop

Munchkins: cast Opening the Earth's Pore

Favourite Companions:

Real Men: play crusading knights

Real Rôle-players: play wandering friars

Loonies: play time-travelling Californians

Munchkins: never got round to creating a companion- they'll play their magus

Favourite lab work:

Real Men: find it too fiddly, and stick to the library

Real Rôle-players: take familiars and apprentices

Loonies: experiment on Creo Ignem spells with three points of exceptional risk.

Munchkins: invent 'Cleanse the Verminous Infestation of People'.

Advantages of the game:

Real Men: like starting with battle-worthy wizards

Real Rôle-players: like the long-term character development

Loonies: like the chance to make the Crown-prince think he's a slug

Munchkins: like to be able to blackmail all of Mythic Europe by threatening to cast an 80th level ritual.

Problems with the game:

Real Men: think there's too much social interaction and not enough combat

Real Rôle-players: think there aren't enough flaw points to define their character

Loonies: think there aren't enough ways to annoy the mundanes

Munchkins: think magi aren't powerful enough

Favourite Quotes:

Real Men: "I kill demons and eat them for breakfast."

Real Rôle-players: "Who do you believe? Him? He's a Christian!"

Loonies: "I healed the dog. I took his toe nails."

Munchkins: "Certamen!"


Capsule Opinion:

Real Men: like the game: lots of combat. Too much magic, but that makes the combats survivable. Besides, Wolf is cool.

Real Rôle-players: like the game: lots of intrigue.

Loonies: don't like the game: not enough Stuffer Shacks.

Munchkins: like the game: lots of plusses.

Capsule Opinion for Second Edition:

Real Men: like the deadlier combat system.

Real Rôle-players: like the deadlier combat, too, hoping that the heightened lethality will cause less of an emphasis on combat.

Loonies: still want more Stuffer Shacks.

Munchkins: are disappointed because lots of the 'holes' in the rules have been plugged.

Favorite Archetype:

Real Men: like Street Samurai

Real Rôle-players: Private Investigator or Decker

Loonies: play Ant Shamans with empty Narcoject guns

Munchkins: play Decker/Rigger/Mages with level 4 power focus and a custom super cyberdeck

(A dissenting opinion holds that Munchkins play 30th level initiate physical adepts. Some munchkins prefer 30th level hermetic magicians.)

Favorite Metahuman:

Real Men: play Orks or Trolls.

Real Rôle-players: play Dwarfs or Elves.

Loonies: play Sasquatches or Toons.

Munchkins: play Vampires... or Great Dragons.

Favorite Job:

Real Men: like extractions.

Real Rôle-players: like undercover operations.

Loonies: like working the counter at Stuffer Shack.

Munchkins: like political insurrections, but only if they get to run the country afterward.

Favorite Opposition:

Real Men: like go-gangs.

Real Rôle-players: like policlubs.

Loonies: like DocWagon.

Munchkins: like Aztlan.

Worst-Case Scenario:

Real Men: hate it when their employers screw them over.

Real Rôle-players: hate it when the Real Men blow their cover.

Loonies: hate it when the other players won't help them out of their self-inflicted predicament.

Munchkins: hate it when the opposition puts up a fight.

Approach to the Run:

Real Men: scout out the territory, make a stealthy beeline to the objective, blast their way out and speed away from the scene.

Real Rôle-players: get in under disguise, jigger the security systems and slip out in a delivery van.

Loonies: go up to the front desk and announce, "Candygram!"

Munchkins: blow away the guards, get what they came for, blow away the cops and go home.

How They Dress:

Real Men: wear Armor Jackets over their street clothes.

Real Rôle-players: wear corporate suits, tribal garb and neohippie outfits over their Form-Fitting Body Armor.

Loonies: wear Lined Coats over nothing at all.

Munchkins: wear Full Heavy Armor and Gyro-mount harnesses for a stroll down Main Street.

Favorite Social Skill:

Real Men: like Interrogate.

Real Rôle-players: like Negotiate.

Loonies: like Etiquette (Zoo Animal).

Munchkins: don't waste points on Social Skills.

Favorite Contact:

Real Men: like their Armorer.

Real Rôle-players: like their Bartender.

Loonies: like their Rotary Club Habitué.

Munchkins: like the High Prince of Tir Tairngire.

Favorite Weapons:

Real Men: like katanas, Ares Predators and Ingram Smartguns.

Real Rôle-players: like shuriken, Narcoject guns and sniper rifles.

Loonies: like Tiffani Self-Defenders on Gyro-mounts and Ares Squirts filled with disappearing ink.

Munchkins: like Dikote monofilament whips, assault cannons with APDS ammo and recoilless Vindicator miniguns.

Favorite Ammunition:

Real Men: like explosive rounds

Real Rôle-players: like drugged armor piercing rounds (usually sleep drugs or DMSO)

Loonies: like ping-pong balls

Munchkins: like enchanted, exploding, armor piercing flechette rounds that home in on living things and are coated with Cyanide-IV causing instant death on contact. Rounds are preferably manufactured using some material with a high astral background count, such as the Nazi Concentration Camp furnaces.

Favorite Melee Weapon:

Real Men: like Combat Axes and other pole arms

Real Rôle-players: like stun batons and shock gloves

Loonies: like shock gloves--inside out/Nerf Swords

Munchkins: like Force 6 Light Saber Weapons Foci

Favorite Cyberware:

Real Men: like Cyberspurs, Wired Reflexes 2, Smartlink

Real Rôle-players: like Internal Voice Mask and Skillwires 3, Datajack, and lots of Headware Memory

Loonies: like Cortex Bombs (in self) or Neon Rainbow Swirl Cybereyes with the color blindness enhancement only.

Munchkins: like beta clinic Wired Reflexes 3 and Vehicle Control Rig 3 at the same time.

Favorite Vehicle:

Real Men: like Harley Scorpions.

Real Rôle-players: like Ford Americars, heavily customized.

Loonies: like Winnebagos.

Munchkins: prefer GMC Banshees, but a Citymaster will do in a pinch.

Favorite Spell Type:

Real Men: cast Combat & Manipulation spells.

Real Rôle-players: cast Detection, Illusion, and Health spells.

Loonies: cast Pie In Face - at themselves.

Munchkins: cast whatever gives them the most plusses.

Favorite Spell:

Real Men: like Mana Bolt.

Real Rôle-players: like Mask.

Loonies: like Mana Tickle and Ram vs. Bowling Pins.

Munchkins: like Turn to Goo, even though it was taken out of the 2nd Edition.

Favorite Totem:

Real Men: like Wolf.

Real Rôle-players: like Raccoon.

Loonies: like Roadrunner.

Munchkins: like Owl.

Favorite Thing About 2nd Edition:

Real Men: like the new combat rules.

Real Rôle-players: like the new Metahuman allergy rules.

Loonies: like the new Laubenstein color illustration with all the weirdos piled into a truck.

Munchkins: like the new loopholes.

Biggest Problem with 2nd Edition:

Real Men: don't like that Karma autosuccesses are gone.

Real Rôle-players: don't like that the list of 2050s slang is gone.

Loonies: don't like that the "Food Fight" scenario is gone.

Munchkins: don't like that the Turn to Goo spell is gone.

Favorite Bonded Magic Item:

Real Men: have a couple of rating 2 Power Foci.

Real Rôle-players: have Spell Purpose and Specific Spell foci.

Loonies: have a plastic butter knife Weapon Focus.

Munchkins: have whatever gives them the most plusses.

Favorite Cyberdeck:

Real Men: deck naked (SR1 only)

Real Rôle-players: use a Fuchi-7

Loonies: use a Radio Shack with random erase feature

Munchkins: use the Aztechnology mainframe

Favorite Combat Program:

Real Men: run Attack

Real Rôle-players: run Sleaze

Loonies: run Microsoft Word

Munchkins: run the black IC downloaded from the Aztechnology mainframe / whatever gives the most plusses

Favorite Armor on a Run:

Real Men: wear Full Heavy armor

Real Rôle-players: wear lined coats and Secure Jackets

Loonies: wear a titanium jock strap - on their heads

Munchkins: wear rigged power armor a-la Starship Troopers over everything above (except the jock strap)

Prefered Method of Quietly Removing a Guard:

Real Men: make a head shot with a silenced sniper rifle

Real Rôle-players: use a Narcoject/Taser from dark cover

Loonies: use slingshots

Munchkins: call their Dragon gang and have them do it.

Prefered Method of Breaking Into a Facility:

Real Men: kill the opposition in a stand-up fight and take the loot

Real Rôle-players: create a multiple front diversion, then sneak in and out quietly

Loonies: pretend they're pizza delivery and knock on the front door

Munchkins: attack with Dropships and a lance of Battlemechs, take the loot and about 10 billion nuyen worth of other materials, collect their pay, and buy another Battlemech

Favorite Contacts:

Real Men: hang out with Mafia hitmen, Bartenders, and Troll Bouncers

Real Rôle-players: hang out with Squatters, Humanis members, and Media Freelancers

Loonies: hang out with Boffo the Wonder Dog

Munchkins: have Dunkelzahn as a butler and Harlequin as a chauffeur / Cthulhu

Examples of Bargaining for a Contract:

Real Men: say "40,000 nuyen ain't enough, chummer. 75k or no go."

Real Rôle-players: say "Instead of money, how about you smooth some ruffled feathers over at Renraku? I'd rather they weren't out for my blood anymore."

Loonies: say "Can we have it all in Stuffer Shack gift certificates?"

Munchkins: say "Right, one million nuyen plus controlling stock in Ares America, plus a Nightsky with full-auto Panther cannons and your youngest daughter. Also, you have to supply our hardware needs, which I have right here..." (pulls out some-thing akin to an encyclopedia)

Favorite Non-Shadowrunning Pastime:

Real Men: spend time at the target range

Real Rôle-players: bone up on their B/R skills

Loonies: hit themselves over the head with a hammer, repeatedly

Munchkins: dominate the world



Real Men: Don't Wear Armour.

Real Rôle-players: Are intimately familiar with the trade-offs between armour protection and encumbrance.

Loonies: Don't wear Armour either.

Munchkins: Believe that Enchanted weapons can offset the penalities of wearing Full Plate and Chain / Try to convince the GM to allow them to bring in the Battle Dress they had in last weeks Traveller game.


Real Men: Only read the rules regarding combat.

Real Rôle-players: Actually UNDERSTAND the rules.

Loonies: Couldn't care less about the rules.

Munchkins: Think that the GM is making all this crap up.


Real Men: Engage in combat at the drop of a hat.

Real Rôle-players: Try to avoid combat as long as possible / Plan, Plan, Plan.

Loonies: Attack Big Creatures with pocket knives.

Munchkins: Quickly get their feelings hurt and go off and sulk.

Character Design:

Real Men: Stick all their points into Strength, Dexterity, and Bravado.

Real Rôle-players: Enjoy the challenge inherent in playing "realistically" power-leveled characters.

Loonies: Stick all their points into Appearance, Constitution, and Stamina.

Munchkins: Are convinced any character designed with these rules is automatically a wimp.

Dangerous Dimensions Journeys / Mythus


Real Men: Immediately fall in love with the Combat system and the weapons list, and spend time carefully choosing armour

Real Rôle-players: Love the selection of Vocations, and end up with a Philosopher

Loonies: Emphasis on non-lethal, weaponless hand-to-hand and use of the Buffoonery K/S Area in combat

Munchkins: Immediately are disappointed by the dearth of magickal items

Favorite K/S Area:

Real Men: Combat, Hand Weapons

Real Rôle-players: All of them, 'cause they all have so much potential

Loonies: Buffoonery

Munchkins: Mysticism, and they make certain to meditate every day, and whine about having to actually make rolls, 'cause the DR is "easy" anyways...

Thoughts on Mythus Magick:

Real Men: NO WAY I'm gonna waste $24 on that waste of paper!

Real Rôle-players: Actually, the breadth of magick types has potential. Why not make an Herbalism/Alchemist specialist?

Loonies: Alright! Spellsongs! There's one called "Acclumsed Ode" that makes the opponent keep fumbling. Yeah!

Munchkins: I'll play a Full Practitioner Mage-Priest with Alchemy, Astrology, Apotropaism, Conjuration, Divination, Sorcery, Witchcraeft, Spellsongs, Heka- Forging, Necromancy, and...


Favourite part of the system:

Real Men: like the combat and magic systems

Real Rôle-players: like the skill system

Loonies: like the background options

Munchkins: like the criticals

Preferred character type:

Real Men: play Fighters, Warrior Monks and Rogues.

Real Rôle-players: play Sages, Seers and Alchemists.

Loonies: play Dream Lords, Farmers and Macabres.

Munchkins: play Warrior Mages, Paladins and Elementalists.

Favourite named supplement:

Real Men: want the Arms Companion

Real Rôle-players: want the Alchemy Companion

Loonies: want the Spell Users' Companion

Munchkins: want the Elemental Companion

Favourite spell list:

Real Men: don't use magic, but get a friend to cast Bladerunes on all their weapons

Real Rôle-players: use Philosopher's Elixir

Loonies: use Transferring Ways

Munchkins: use Mana Moulding

Favourite campaign world:

Real Men: play in Middle Earth

Real Rôle-players: play in Shadow World

Loonies: play Time Riders

Munchkins: play Dark Space (as Vlathachna)

Favourite monsters (to fight or play):

Real Men: like dragons

Real Rôle-players: like Uruk-Hai

Loonies: like Black Reavers

Munchkins: eat Elder Worms

Dark Conspiracy

Character type:

Real Men: play Special Forces officers

Real Rôle-players: play starving street-kids

Loonies: play Empaths

Munchkins: play Special Forces Nomenklatura Empathic Paraphysicist ET Pilots

Usual mode of transport:

Real Men: drive a HMMWV

Real Rôle-players: drive a Zil or a Yugo, or take the bus

Loonies: drive a converted school bus

Munchkins: drive a P-320 APC everywhere

Favourite piece of normal weaponry:

Real Men: use a Wildey Wolf

Real Rôle-players: use a Colt Krait

Loonies: use a crossbow

Munchkins: use an Armington Heavy Laser

Favourite piece of DarkTek weaponry:

Real Men: use a Bolter

Real Rôle-players: use a Sonic Stunner

Loonies: use a Deliquescer

Munchkins: use a Spectral Gatherer

Favourite other piece of DarkTek:

Real Men: want a Running Box

Real Rôle-players: want a Facedancer

Loonies: want an Empathic Viral Mutator

Munchkins: want a Folder Pod

Phoenix Command

Favourite pistol:

Real Men: use Wildey or LAR Grizzly

Real Rôle-players: use a Beretta M92

Loonies: use a .22 derringer

Munchkins: use a Neemis .666

Favourite SMG:

Real Men: use a Bushmaster or MP5K

Real Rôle-players: use an MP5

Loonies: use an American 180

Munchkins: use Uzis (they've never heard of the others)

Favourite rifle:

Real Men: use a Galil/R4 or Steyr AUG

Real Rôle-players: use H&K G11s

Loonies: use an SA-80

Munchkins: use a Barrett

Favourite shotgun:

Real Men: like the SPAS-12

Real Rôle-players: use a double-barrelled Purdey

Loonies: use Atchissons

Munchkins: use an M576 40mm canister round

Favourite exotic weapon:

Real Men: use a 6-pac minigun

Real Rôle-players: use a compound bow

Loonies: use strap-on claymores

Munchkins: use flamethrowers

Favourite high-tech weapon:

Real Men: use a LARGL8

Real Rôle-players: use an FMPX7

Loonies: use Turtle Mines or a Scythe

Munchkins: use an X3LAR3 Dragoncrest Lase Cannon

Favourite powered armour:

Real Men: like Seven Worlds Heavy

Real Rôle-players: like Skiffdress

Loonies: like Neemis Templar

Munchkins: like Grav APCs


Favourite character type:

Real Men: play Solos or Nomads

Real Rôle-players: play Fixers or Techies

Loonies: play Rockers

Munchkins: play Street Samurai or Psionic Vampires

Favourite weapon:

Real Men: use the Militech Advanced Assault Rifle

Real Rôle-players: use light SMGs

Loonies: use a .22 Gatling

Munchkins: use a Barrett-Arasaka 20mm cannon, modified for fully automatic fire, with a sawn-off barrel and a cut-down stock to fit under an armoured long coat

Favourite armour:

Real Men: wear MetalGear

Real Rôle-players: wear a light armour jacket

Loonies: wear a t-shirt and ripped jeans

Munchkins: get a Dragoon full-body conversion

Favourite cyberware:

Real Men: like reflex boosts and smartgun link (is this a trick question?)

Real Rôle-players: like interface plugs

Loonies: like a forehead-mounted Mr Studd™

Munchkins: get a HumanityRestoraTron™

Favourite vehicle:

Real Men: AV-4 with gatling cannon

Real Rôle-players: Bicycle

Loonies: Advertising blimp

Munchkins: Punknaught with the works, with extra pepperoni

When cornered in a firefight:

Real Men: Take out the REAL big gun and tell them to back off before they get hurt

Real Rôle-players: Switch sides

Loonies: Click the heels of their combat boots together and say "there's no place like home".

Munchkins: Break their Trauma Team card

Favourite method of B&E:

Real Men: Kick the door down and wonder where the other PCs have gone

Real Rôle-players: Look under doormat for keys

Loonies: Ring the doorbell

Munchkins: Use the Militech Plastic Explosive Delivery Service

Find employment as:

Real Men: Bodyguard

Real Rôle-players: Librarian

Loonies: Quality Control personnel for Second Chance Armour Inc.

Munchkins: CEO (at age 15)

SLA Industries

(by Aleister Crowley and others as noted)


Real Men: like Digger

Real Rôle-players: like a Downtown Gang

Loonies: kick Halloween Jack in the Pods and say "Tag! You're it!"

Munchkins: have no enemies left alive...(they wish)


Real Men: take Enhancement, Reality Fold

Real Rôle-players: take Detect, Communication

Loonies: take Reality Fold Doobrie

Munchkins: formulate Enhancment 10, Protect 10, Blast 10


Real Men: idolise Intruder

Real Rôle-players: idolise Teeth

Loonies: try and see every episode of Captain Contract

Munchkins: are Idols dammit.... Reputation 10 !


Real Men: like a FEN AR

Real Rôle-players: favor the tried and tested FEN 30-30

Loonies: like a KPS Mangler with bolass rounds

Munchkins: bolt a Power Reaper to a FEN TRI and control it from the next sector


Real Men: use their FEN 603

Real Rôle-players: take a FEN 204

Loonies: but a black market 3rd hand CAF pistol

Munchkins: Take a Contract Killer Custom Blitzer

Close Combat:

Real Men: use their Power Claymore

Real Rôle-players: prefer a FlickScythe

Loonies: paint themselves blue and run in with a pig bladder on the end of a stick

Munchkins: like an Electrified Sledge Hammer with spikes on, and lots of Contract Killer Custom Gear


Real Men: like Calaharveys

Real Rôle-players: like APCs

Loonies: take rickshaws

Munchkins: fly fully armed Kilcopters


Real Men: wear Body Blocker

Real Rôle-players: wear PP7 Exo

Loonies: wear Striker with Fluorescent Go Faster Stripes

Munchkins: wear Mal Shock and don't go into buildings


Real Men: like DACs

Real Rôle-players: like DAFs

Loonies: have an entire clan of Armed Frother Doobries

Munchkins: have Pentreth Tigers

Free Time:

Real Men: race in the Treachery level of The Pit

Real Rôle-players: actually try and socialise in The Pit

Loonies: try the Mosh floor in The Pit wearing a T-shirt saying "Stormers Suck"

Munchkins: go to Karma Labs for the next upgrade

Training Package:

Real Men: take Kick Murder Squad with Unarmed Combat

Real Rôle-players: take I&I

Loonies: take Media

Munchkins: take Death Squad with AutoSupport & Rifle


Real Men: prefer fighting around Salvation Tower

Real Rôle-players: like Downtown

Loonies: spend most their lives in the sewers

Munchkins: like New Paris and an unlimited credit account


Real Men: take Unarmed Combat

Real Rôle-players: take Leadership

Loonies: take VideoGames & Cookery

Munchkins: take SLA Information


Real Men: take Major Enemy

Real Rôle-players: take Bad Reputation

Loonies: like minus figures Luck, Pacifist, Major Enemy 10 (Preceptor Teeth)

Munchkins: take only ones which dont need to be roleplayed


Real Men: don't take them.....

Real Rôle-players: take Simple Hobby and Good Vision/Hearing

Loonies: take all over DNA Tattoo and Simple Hobby (Stamp Collecting)

Munchkins: minmax Vehicle/Income


Real Men: protect their own

Real Rôle-players: have trouble forming lasting relationships

Loonies: develop deep meaningful bonds with their Doobries

Munchkins: pay for theirs....


Real Men: don't have time for it, unless it's dramatically convenient...

Real Rôle-players: enter into inter-species relationships...

Loonies: spend all their time in random partner virtual reality booths in The Pit

Munchkins: just don't have time for it

Contract Killers:

Real Men: are Sponsored by MJL

Real Rôle-players: are Sponsored by KPS

Loonies: are Sponsored by Wheaties Breakfast Cereals

Munchkins: are Sponsored by Dark Lament


(by Max Hattuer)

Real Men: take cover

Real Rôle-players: make sure all the paperwork is done

Loonies: order out for Pizza

Munchkins: just reload (again)


(by Max Hattuer)

Real Men: play humans

Real Rôle-players: take Ebons/Shaktars/Wraith Raiders

Loonies: like Frothers

Munchkins: roll up a BW or a Stormer

it just occured to me, that munchkins would probably want to play Thresher Player Characters anyway, making a lot of the munchkin entries moot ;-)

Jared also lent his wit to some of these, thanks Jared ;-)

GURPS Discworld

(by Phil Masters)

On joining a GURPS Discworld game:

Real Men will play Barbarian Heroes.

Real Roleplayers will play Witches.

Loonies: will play Guerilla Mimes.

Munchkins: will try and play Troll Wizards, argue with the GM, mumble about the points system being unfair, and finally play Mercenaries.

Ask them for their role-models, and...

Real Men will choose Carrot, Casanunda, and Granny Weatherwax.

Real Roleplayers will choose Susan Sto Helit, Rincewind, and Granny Weatherwax.

Loonies: will choose the Bursar, Rincewind, and Granny Weatherwax.

Munchkins: will choose Cohen, Detritus, and Lilly Weatherwax.

When the GM admits that, setting notwithstanding, this game may be a bit combat-heavy...

Real Men: will play Barbarian Heroes.

Real Rôle-players: will play Assassins.

Loonies: will play Mediums. ("Just because we killed them shouldn't stop us talking to them.")

Munchkins: will play Trolls.

When the GM hastily back-pedals and says that, actually, there'll be lots of role-playing and social interaction:

Real Men: will play Barbarian Heroes.

Real Rôle-players: will play Watchmen.

Loonies: will play Zoons.

Munchkins: will play Trolls.

When they choose to play non-humans:

Real Men: will play Dwarves.

Real Rôle-players: will play Elfkin.

Loonies: will play Gnomes.

Munchkins: will play Trolls.

Ask them about their character's place of origin, and...

Real Men: will choose The Hublands.

Real Rôle-players: will choose Genua.

Loonies: will choose the Tezuman Empire.

Munchkins: will choose Dumanifestin... Oh, alright, how about the Agatean Empire (you know, with all the gold)...

Looking at the new Advantages:

Real Men: will go for Voice of Command.

Real Rôle-players: will go for Inspiration Magnet.

Loonies: will go for Sapient Pearwood Property.

Munchkins: will go for Recognized Divinity.

Looking at the new Skills:

Real Men: will go for Shouting at Foreigners.

Real Rôle-players: will go for Fools' Lore.

Loonies: will go for Astrozoology.

Munchkins: will go for Discworld Alchemy (and try to make gunpowder).

Picking from the Jobs Table:

Real Men: will want to be Watchmen.

Real Rôle-players: will want to be Village Witches.

Loonies: will want to be Street Mimes.

Munchkins: will want to be Mad Wizards.

If they have to take up religion:

Real Men: will worship Blind Io.

Real Rôle-players: will worship The Lady (carefully).

Loonies: will worship the Hogfather.

Munchkins: will worship The Lady (less carefully).

Ask them what sort of campaign they want to play, and...

Real Men: will say "The last of the Barbarian Heroes."

Real Rôle-players: will say "Oh, let's start a witches' coven, or join a new city watch, or something."

Loonies: will say "Let's start a revolution in Ankh-Morpork."

Munchkins: will ask "Where's the dungeon?"

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